Tuesday July 8/97

Argh! I think X is losing it. I'd asked her last week about giving me a lift to Cambridge for the interview at D____ Communications and she said she'd call when she knew her day off. It was going to be today or tomorrow. I called her again on Sunday and she still didn't know. I called her at work yesterday and she still didn't know. Then today she calls and says she doesn't think she can drive me. I asked about next week and she said she's just not comfortable doing it. I told her I wouldn't have asked if I had any alternative, but she said she didn't like being put in a situation that obligated me to do something nice for her in return, or something like that. When pressed, she said she felt I was using her. The words she used were, "Let's get my ex-girlfriend to drive me."(!!) I tried to explain that people often need each other to do favours, but she was just weird about the whole thing. Then she said it was too soon. I pointed out that it's been over three months since we've seen each other. The conversation ended pretty awkwardly.

So. I thought she was a lot more together than I was about all this. She seemed so irrational, it was kind of frightening. And she sort of draws me into these weird awkward conversations and then says, "See, this is exactly what I don't want us to be like." I'm the one that feels used, actually. But she seems pretty messed up, and I'm a little shocked. And although my natural response is to feel guilty, I keep reminding myself that I didn't do anything unusual. She broke up with me. She talked about being friends. Now she can't seem to handle any sort of relationship that "obligates" people to do things for each other. This seems to come right out of the abuse, of her fear of being taken advantage of. Why doesn't she trust me anymore? What happened to her/us? I still don't know. And I kind of fear that she's told other people things that aren't true to cover her own uncertain reasons. I really want to talk to her mom, or her brother, to see what reasons she gave them for breaking up with me. I hope she didn't tell them I did something bad, or was someone I'm not. Because I really did give my best, I tried to be the best person I could be. And that wouldn't be fair. I'm worried about her, about how she's going to live the rest of her life. I'm worried that my living here is going to cause her pain, when it's already causing me pain.

(later...) Brian just called (4:30pm) and it appears he's going to have to move at the end of the month. The landlords want him to pay $150 and they'll sub-let. He can't find anyone to move in, and he'll have to find somewhere else. And I don't know what will happen to Nelson. This whole move is starting to feel like a massive mistake. I hope that's not true, but so far, nothing good has come of it.

I talked to Shelly this afternoon and that helped. I needed to talk to someone after X's phone call. Shelly says X is just being mean and selfish. I don't know. I just suddenly feel really vulnerable emotionally, and no one to turn to. I've certainly put Brian in a bad position (well, really, his friend Bob did, but he's not around to blame.) Brian's been good, but I feel kind of responsible. Will I ever be at home in Waterloo?

(later still...) It's 9pm, I'm sitting in the Moondance Cafe, a good sort of moping place, and there's a table of three women here and one is lamenting the fact that her boyfriend of 7 years doesn't appear to want to get married.! Agh! This is what the stereotype is and I'M NOT LIKE THIS! Why can't someone appreciate that? Someone has to discover it first. Chad's going to meet me here after his drama rehearsal. He's ok, but I don't feel he completely sees my side in this whole X thing. I don't know why he insists on trying to be neutral. I guess because X used to talk to him when they both worked at the mall. But I need someone in my corner. I've always found him loyal, but I need it more than ever right now, and he hasn't been all that much behind me. At least I don't feel it.

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