Friday July 18/97

It's my last night in Waterloo. I'm at the Moondance Cafe for the second time this week. Great, cheap beer and a cozy atmosphere. I'll miss this place, anyway. A bright spot on a dark smudge in my life. How's that for dramatic? But I'm happy to be going home. I guess it feels more like home than anywhere else, despite my belly-aching about feeling rootless.

It's pretty empty in here tonight, compared to Tuesdays. Odd. But it's ok. I just didn't want to sit in and watch TV tonight. X hasn't called all week, which is good. I hope she's ok, or that she'll be ok. I checked for the first time today and I really did give her all the letters. I did find a little note, though. It's weird, like looking inside and noticing one of your organs missing. Hopefully, although I notice the absence, it's an organ I can live without (an appendix) or can survive without anyway (spleen?) Time will tell. But me, the words guy, the guy who loves evidence, just to prove to myself that a relationship actually happened, actually existed. This hurts. If X was trying to hurt me, she knew where my soft spots were. I lean on the written word, and she pulled out that support. But I'm ready to go on. I'm eager to meet new people. If history is any guide, though, I'll probably not meet another woman for a year. I sure hope it's not that long.

I was reading some old letters I'd sent to XX, more than two years ago now(!) Both she and X had some pretty serious hangups. I need to avoid that kind of person. Why is it so hard to find someone who's not been damaged? Where do I look? Both XX and X were "nice" girls, brought up in "Christian" homes. I think I'll look for someone with more edge. Maybe fewer nasty surprises, that way. Maybe.

Different crowd in here tonight. Older, and more couples. Beer's still good, though! I mostly finished packing today. I'm getting up at 8 tomorrow, as Shelly and Brian are supposed to arrive at 10:30, and I have a few more things to pack (clothes, bathroom stuff) Ha ha. The music in here tonight is different. The guy playing guitar is singing, "Take A Chance On Me"!

escape