Friday July 11/97

AARGHH! I just spent an hour and a half on the phone with X, and her mom! I'd just called to tell her I was moving back and I mentioned that I thought that it was probably the best thing, for her and I. She asked why and I mentioned the "lift to Cambridge" conversation. She became really defensive again, and when I apologized, saying I thought things weren't bothering her anymore, she freaked. She kept saying, "I'm fine," but with such vehemence that it only got worse if I mentioned it. I think I said, "You don't sound fine, you sound agitated," or something, which just snowballed the whole thing out of control. And me expressing any sort of concern was a mistake, as she took it to mean I was feeling superior, that I thought she must have a problem. After me trying to backpedal, she just kept accusing me of repeating the same things over and over. I just said I wanted us to be civil, and that I didn't know what to say or do to help her stop feeling angry with me. But no matter what I said, she just got more wound up. After 45 minutes, her mom got on the phone. She repeated the "X is fine" mantra and seemed to think X saying No to the lift to Cambridge was normal and I should have just accepted it as No. It was sort of humiliating because of course all she's ever heard is X's shrill side of our conversations. I asked her to understand that, but I don't think that helped. She seemed to think I'd wound X up tonight and that I should have just stuck to small talk. I told her that for the past month or so, X and I had been really civil and that I didn't think asking the favour was going to be a problem. She also seemed to think that X had said No initially and that I'd kept asking (NOT!) Very frustrating, not being able to communicate. I've always considered myself a really good communicator, and I just can't handle the whole X thing anymore. X still seems to think that stuff I said after the breakup was meant to make her feel guilty or bad and that because she still feels these things, that it's my responsibility. No matter if I told her that I can't make her feel anything. Any guilt she might legitimately have felt has now been blamed on me, and now has no redeeming value.

Of course, I probably said stuff that hurt her. I was really hurt. But I never intentionally hurt her, and she can't forgive. I asked her about building up 8 months of trust, but she dwelt on a few things I said in the few weeks after the breakup. It would have been just as bad if we'd had a fight. She's so hard to reach, and I find it hard to just go away. I guess I feel a little responsible, but I can't seem to fix it, I only make it worse. Here's a case where trusting God is the only option. I can't call her anymore. Before I hung up, I just told her, "You call sometime." She insists she's fine, and maybe the problem is only with me, but I doubt it. The problem is with her dad, and I'm a (not entirely innocent) victim. And so will the next guy be, unless she deals with it. But that's not my responsibility, I need to keep reminding myself. I just want her to be whole, and all I thought I'd done to help is now just a mess. Did my broken heart destroy all that trust and good? What could I have done? The scary thing is that X then and X now seem like two completely different people. And talking to her mom wasn't much better as her mom has been through all the same stuff.

I think I'm a pretty decent guy, compared to some stories I hear. And I gave 100% to that relationship. And when it ended, I was baffled. I wanted to know why. And X was evasive and annoyed by that, even though she knew that closure wasn't possible for me withouth some justification on her part. And it bugged her that I couldn't "respect" (ie. go along with) her decision. Was this surprising to her? She's had similar things happen to her. I thought she'd sympathize. But any guilt she felt has been turned outward, as anger at me, of all people. I hope this whole thing doesn't make me afraid to trust. It's been by far the most traumatic breakup I've had. And I don't feel I've deserved it. Right now, despite what I've said about wanting to be friends, I'm not sure I ever want to talk to X again. Her breaking up with me may just have been the best thing for us. I'm beginning to see that.

continue

escape