Saturday July 12/97

It's just after 9am. X just showed up at the door and asked for all her letters back. She said she thinks I misinterpreted or misunderstood what she said last night. This was the first time I'd actually seen her since the breakup. At this point, I just gave her the letters, even though I'd like to have them. I said that even though the future is open, she couldn't take the past by taking the letters. Chad and I talked late last night about how she'd probably try to rewrite the whole relationship in hindsight. Now I know that's what she's doing. Luckily, I showed Chad the letter she wrote to me after we almost broke up in March. She'd told Chad I'd "twisted her arm" and talked her out of breaking up. The letter told an entirely different story. Of course, that's why she wanted them back. While I was getting them, she came right into my room to watch, and said, "Am I going to get all of them?" I felt like I was being mugged. I'm scared of her. It feels like she hates me and I don't know why. And she wants to destroy all the evidence that she ever loved and trusted me. That really hurts, but at this point, if it helps her sort it out, fine. But I don't really think it's a healthy thing she's doing. I'm certainly not going to make any more contact with her. Sad, but it just seems to backfire.

I can't bear to stay here another week! I may go down to Toronto today and stay the weekend. I just need to be away from all this, maybe talk to someone. I hope she at least reads what she wrote before she destroys the letters.

continue

escape